My hands are resting on the keyboard and my toes are wiggling like mad while I’m trying to think of a good way to start this post. Or even just a good way to assemble my thoughts. I have two columns in my head that I can’t seem to converge. There’s the I’m Leaving in 5 Months column and the Holy SHIT column. They are to do with each other, but I’m not sure how to think about both things at once. Or rather feel both things at once. They are both pretty occupying feelings that leave little room for anything other than mad toe wiggling. I have really good break downs for both things, that fit in the columns, so I’ll start there.
I’m Leaving in 5 Months (FAQ style!)
Q: Say there, Erin, where are you going?
A: I’m going on a road trip!
Q: Where are you going to go on that there road trip?
A: I’m starting with a northern loop, targeted towards staying with people I know, and also good music towns. Luckily, I know a lot of people who live in or near good music towns. On the docket so far are the areas and surrounding areas of: Washington D.C., Cape Cod/Boston MA, Albany/New York City NY, Chicago IL, Wisconsin, Kansas City KS, Denver CO, and LA CA. Hopefully some places in between.
Q: Why are you going on a road trip?
A: Because I’m at a great place in my life. I’m almost 22. I really enjoy where I work and the people I work with. I live at home with my family who I enjoy spending time with. But I can only really enjoy these things because this is a lovely gearing up season. What I really want is to establish a career as a musician, so I’m taking a road trip to play in a bunch of places and in front of a bunch of people. Hopefully one of those people will like what I do and know another person who likes what I do. And hopefully another person will know another person who likes what I do. And then maybe a group of people will have me over for a house concert because they know some other people who will like what I do. And then maybe a big bunch of people will like what I do, and I can play a show with another artist who they like. And then, maybe and hopefully and one day, there will be enough people who like what I do enough to do it only and all the time and be able to have nice things, like a place to live and health care. That’s the dream, baby.
Q: That’s pretty gutsy.
A: Thanks, but that’s not a question.
Holy SHIT (and other assorted thoughts about that)
I feel pretty good about having this overwhelming feeling that takes up half of my brain and approximately 2/3 of my stomach’s butterfly capacity. It’s a very freaky thing to feel, and it’s kind of hanging over my head, but in a very reassuring way. A) it’s helping me prepare. I had two really good fortune cookie fortunes recently. The first was “Good luck is the result of good planning” and the second the next time was “You will get what your heart desires”. That was nice. I’m usually good about ignoring unpleasant feelings hanging over my head, but I’m trying to use this daunting as a means to be well prepared.
B) nothing worth doing is without its risk, so feeling a good healthy dose of intimidation with my excitement is good. Everything is better with a little edge. Like hops in beer or carbonation in soda. I think Mary Oliver says it well in her poem A Certain Sharpness in the Morning Air:
“…for it’s true, isn’t it
in our world,
that the petals pooled with nectar, and the polished thorns
are a single thing–
that even the purest light, lacking the robe of darkness,
would be without expression–
that love itself, without its pain, would be
no more than a shruggable comfort.”
My point, then, is that I’ve thought it over and thought it over, and even though my stomach is in knots and I have a bad case of trepidation (d: tremendous uncertain agitation), I think it’s healthy trepidation, and I can’t think of anything else I’d do if not this. I only want this, or to try for this, and would be forever and wholly unfulfilled if I didn’t. So while bold declaration of quitting school and my job to try to make it as a musician feels entirely like a reckless decision, it was in fact calculated and planned through much insecure soul searching and counsel seeking. The holy shit feeling, and the case I’ve built here countering it is not from others or for others, only from and for myself. I’m not road tripping in a vacuum, but well padded and supported by people who are lovingly putting me up, funding me, supporting me, and singing along with me (or telling me to hurry the hell up with my CD so that they can). So while this feels very much like going out on a tightrope, it is in actuality close enough to the ground to recover gracefully. Thinking about this, and certainly writing about all this helps me converge the two columns in my head to simply: holy shit, I’m leaving in 5 months.
